I normally wouldn't write something like this in something so public, but I feel like I need to write something down and this is the best place for it.
On Saturday, whilst at my mum's house, she told me to sit down and that she had some bad news. She passed me a letter from a solicitor, informing her that my father had died on 15th January 2010. I didn't know how to react - I guess shock was the first response, followed by a mixture of sadness and guilt.
I hadn't seen my father since around 1993. I don't want to go into the reasons for this here, but apart from a few phone calls and letters in the mid-90s we had no contact with him.
My brother and I have spent the time since then not really knowing how to react. My main emotions are sadness and guilt. Sadness because despite everything he was still our Dad and we're never going to be able to talk to him or see him again. I've still not really had a proper cry - I've been blocking things out with work etc. I know I need to but I don't know why I can't.
The guilt is because despite the circumstances my brother and I never attempted to contact him. I know that I thought about it a lot, and my brother has said he did too, but I guess our lives got in the way, and it's easy to see with hindsight that we could have done more. I guess Dad could have tried too, but we're never going to know if there were reasons why he couldn't.
Right now my emotions are getting the better of me. There's so many things that I need to get done but I'm putting them off. I'm afraid I'm going to lash out because my patience seems to have disappeared. I'm told this is entirely normal but I'm struggling to cope at the moment.
All I can really say at the moment is that despite everything I know that he loved us in his own way, and I hope he knew that we loved him, and I really wish we could have seen him or spoken to him before this happened. The most comforting thing is that he wasn't on his own, he had a partner who he was happy with and was able to live the lifestyle he chose to, no longer living a lie, and for that we must be thankful.